It Hurts Wednesday, Jul 2 2008

My thumb that is….

 

It got slammed  in the door yesterday…

 

I have a few posts on stand by in my little notebook but it will take too long just now for my poor thumb.

In a few days.. Ill be back

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Still Workin My Way Down Friday, Jun 27 2008

Health Update: Stalling Out

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Can I rant for a minute? 

Well I am about to so hold your horses.  I have been trying to go back to school for my bachelors since I graduated with my associates (that took me four years and five colleges to actually complete).  The year we got married I knew I would be screwed for 2005 as in addition to my husband’s income there was my income (which was quite a bit seeing as I was working three jobs).  In 2005 was the first year I didn’t work at all so it was just filing jointly with one income.  I thought for sure I would have a chance at getting the Pell Grant for the 2006 school year– but no I didn’t then either because we apparently still made too much money.  The 2006 year I helped my friend fill out her FAFSA and she ended up getting a full grant– al expenses paid to go to school.  The same school I was trying to attend.  Well that got my hopes all up because of several things: we both lived in the same apartment community (like five steps from my door to hers) and basically had the same expenses, both our husbands were of the same pay rank so we got paid the same (base pay, housing allowance and sustainance allowance).  So for the 2007 FAFSA I was excited and rearin to go but again… got nothing. 

You wanna know the ONLY difference in application?  She has a kid and I don’t.  When I asked the financial aid office about it they said to me that it was because she had a kid and I don’t. Isn’t that a nice slap in the face?

Anyway, so I get a phone call a couple weeks ago from my student advisor that there were some changes made to levels and such and that I should try again.  I also took into consideration that the difference in income from 2006 to 2007  was substantial (were talkin more than 13,000 less in gross income) that maybe this time I would qualify for some help.  Well nope. Apparently the Estimated Financial Contribution was about 6100.  I’d love to know who the heck came up with the magic formula that shot out that POS number.  I guess we have no bills or rent to pay.  I suppose we maintain sustinence in the form of magic water which provides for our every nutritional need so we certainly don’t need to be spending money on food for ourselves since water is free (which it really isn’t since we have that non-existant water bill to pay). 

So I gues this means that unless I pop out a child I wont be going back to school– there is no sense in trying to before then. Unless of course I commit some crime– then I’d get my education free and clear while serving out my sentence.

::

In other news, I think that Lycira  may have screwed up my cycles again.  I don’t usually use OPK’s but I am testing them out to see if they work for me.  I was planning on seeing if all three methods (the scope, temps and OPK’s) would correlate.  Well at around CD16 or so I got tired of doing the scope so I stopped.  I’d long since stopped with the temps cause I was just waiting for some indication on my scope that Ovulation was on its way (in other words, looking for partial ferning).  The OPK’s had been giving me dark lines since the first one on CD 5 so I stopped POAOPK every day and just worked it every other day (still getting dark lines).  Well yesterday I was like “why not” so I grabbed one and what happened?  The line popped up right away (as in before the pee even hit the control line)  but was only fractionally darker than those previously.  So screwed up.  OHH today is CD23 by the way

Man, everything seems to be sucking more than royally at this point.  Nothing I try my hand at is working for me.  Ohh did I mention that my herb garden that I was so proud of is now dead?  Yeah that too.  At this rate its a miracle that my dogs are alive- since they depend on me for everything as well.

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Workin It Out Thursday, Jun 26 2008

So the last few days have been pretty busy for us here which is why I haven’t really found enough time to write (that and Im still suffering from that block between my head and my fingers).

Anyway, the difficult thing about Infertility (one of the many many difficult things) is financing- adoptions both domestic and international cost money, even the most simple (excuse the snort that accompanies that) of ART procedures.  The cost isn’t relieved by any kind of insurance coverage.

So the hubbs and I have been trying to figure out how we can grow our family from the financial aspect.  So we have put together everything we owe and the highest total assumed cost for adoptions and settled on a five year plan (that would make me 30–figures that was when I’d planned on having my family complete, not just gettin started). 

So I’ve opened an online store that will strictly be for those two things- debt reduction and savings increase. There are alot of products in there (I think something like 1500) from electronic, video games (Wii,xbox360,etc), home decor,etc.

I think that maybe I’ll feature a particular product in the side bar every once in a while.

So all I ask that you (dear reader) bookmark the shop and when ya need something check it out first (or second,third) or at least give it a consideration.

The Corner Bazaar

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Can You Believe It?? Monday, Jun 23 2008

So today I wake up again (I had to bring the Hubbs in today) and check my blog here and what do I see?!

 

20,034 Hits!

WOW.  I think thats pretty alright.  Its alot to me thats for sure- especially considering that I’ve only been doing this a year and a coupla days (June 17th was when I started this blog last year– I think I’ll do a best of.. )

 

 

Anyway, that’s it for now… I have lots to talk about  but have to get some things done first (like makin the grocery list).  I’ll try and be on later

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Totally Random Saturday, Jun 21 2008

So its 2 in the morning and I’ve been sucked into watching  Superman Returns on one of the movie channels… which is absolutely rediculous because we own the movie and I can watch it when ever I feel like it.

Anyway, maybe someone can answer this (or speculate is good too).

They always show Superman flying..and he can go from fast to slow, foward and backward

 

but How?

 

 

 

Ok answer me that while I figure out if I have yet another stye in my eye or if its pink eye– either way its like just one more little thing the universe wants to throw into my sucky cupla weeks.

One Response »

 

Just Write Dang It Friday, Jun 20 2008

Health News: I Think This May Be Working

Introducing: Keeping It All Together

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Ok, so I have tried to write a post for quite some time now and all I’ve ended up doin is staring at the screen.  Writer’s block is seriously building at great thick wall between me and my thoughs.  So I decided that I am just going to write and see where it takes me.  This may or may not be long but the last few days have certainly been blog worthy-  but I just couldn’t find the words.

Just a note about the link at the top of this page.  I decided that I will keep certain things out of this particular blog.  Instead I created one new blog to keep track of what I feel is interesting new articles from various places around the world (since I do believe that we have a very biased media and I find it interesting what other nations think of our politics as well as learning about things happening in the world that we don’t hear about here).  Mainly focused right now on the election but I am hoping to expand it into general news stuff that i feel strongly about outside of Infertility. I tend to lean conservative in the majority of my views, but I am open to knowing more about any one elses views as long as it remains on topic - just lettin y’all know.Today I just posted the link to the blog in general rather than a subject in there because I still have plenty of articles I want to put up before I start gettin specific. The other blog is to keep track of my health issues outside of infertility.    Things like symptoms, medications and general insurance ranting. The last of the three will be more religious/spiritual/biblical in nature. So basically I’m choosing to keep “hot button” issues seperate from this blog in general. When I post in any them I will probably  end up posting here too..so I’ll put links at the top of the page then you (dear reader) can decide if you want to read or not read it. I hope this works out in reality as well as it does in my head.

Ok now that I have said all that let me just tell you all what happened yesterday.  I have told you guys that my brother’s fiance/wife (she said she changed her name but I am not quite sure if she meant legally or just in her head–) is indeed pregnant.  My feelings about this are pretty typical I suppose but to be honest I think that sometimes I feel all alone when I get news like this.  I think it may be apart of my block.  When I sit down to write about how I feel my mind goes blank.   Maybe its a survival tactic/coping mechanism?  What ever it is I am gonna poke a hole in it and see hopefully the issue at hand and be able to actually write it down.

See it’s happening again. Im drawing a blank so I just state facts and hopefully feelings will follow. Fact: My mother sent me a picture of Fertili-girl (thats what I am goin to refer to brother’s girlfriend/fiance/ wife because it takes to type out what I just wrote repeatedly)…a belly shot.  I’ve got more of a belly in my bloat than she does at this point.  The question here is why the heck is she sending me this?  I’ve posted about this at Loungeplace but for those of you who are not members there let me say that my Mom knows something is wrong.  I can tell because of the way she tries to protect me from the “kids” questions that end up being asked at family gatherings.  Even from my own Big Daddy who is so eager to be a Grandpa.  She usually calls to give me a heads up whenever some new person related by blood or by choice in our family gets knocked up.  She got major coolio points over Christmas.  But yesterday all that went down the drain.  I need to call her and tell her that she absolutely cannot and should not send me pictures of Fertili-girl’s belly.  I need to but I haven’t for the simple reason that I am still really upset about it.

I must say that I am really feeling the “line” mentalilty with this–not just fertili-girl but with Andrea and Cousin D.  I was in line first and I should have made this same announcement years ago.  None of these women are ready for a child (in Andrea’s case the addition of #4- she barely cares for the ones she’s got already).   Anyway, I think most of my family doesn’t get why I’m not excited. My Grandmother asked me when I told her about all this and she kind of slapped me on the hand verbally.  I am NOT excited to be a Tia at this point.  It’s all to new and raw for me to be happy about it.  I don’t want to offer my congrats or gush over how she’s feeling.  Maybe when my niece or nephew come into this world I can love and appreciate them as they are- wholly seperate from pregancy and my own issues with IF.   I am very confident that I can do that.

I think another part of my issue specifically with my younger bro in becoming a dad (possibly) is that whole “line mentality”. We should have made that annoucement already, we should be the one’s giving my parents their frist grandchild- to be the one to fulfill that part of their life story.  And it isn’t gonna happen that way apparently.

:::

Let me tell you all about what my husband told me.  One of his co-workers, Nick, has a wife who is pregnant and due next month.  They were at the store and when them came back outside they heard some crying but didn’t know where it was coming from.  As they kept walking it got louder and they realized it was a baby crying.  As they got closer it got lounder and more insistant.  Nick saw that it was coming from the area where they had parked their truck.  Near them was another truck that it seemed the crying was coming from.  So they go and they find a baby, in his carrier, locked in the car with the back windows cracked!  Let say that for a couple weeks now we’ve had triple digit weather.  We are supposed to be getting a cold front for a day and the temps will drop to 94 degrees.  So yeah– its more than just a little bit hot ouside– imagine what its like in a truck with no a/c on.  So Im sure many of you will understand the absolute horror of what was going on.  Nick tried to get the door unlocked while his wife Rach called the police.  The baby was sweating, red-in the face so Nick decided that the cops wouldn’t mind if he broke the window to get to the kid so that is what he did.  Lord only knows if the incident left this child challeged in some way but most definately scarred. It took the father almost another 15 minutes to come out of the store- into the hands of the police and off to jail.  They did take the baby for care and I assume they called the mother.   Can you believe that?  It really got my Hubbs mad!

 

Im gonna have to end it there folks.  I am fading fast and need to try and load the dishwasher- but maybe after a nap.

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The Ray of Sunshine Tuesday, Jun 17 2008

So today wasn’t good.  Really it sucked MAJORLY.

But.. I found out that I won a drawing for a 400 dollar coupon for American Laser Centers.  They don’t just do hair removal so I am goin in on Wednesday afternoon for a consult and to decide which of the services Im goin to indulge in.  Tomorrow I am sure gonna go to Unravel and buy yarn and get my nails and toes all pretty!

 

I think I deserve it…

 

I’ll have to blog about the rest of my

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She’s Pregnant Sunday, Jun 15 2008

So Im goin to be an auntie after all.

(insert any curse word that may apply here).

 

this is a really crappy day.  Now I am expecting one more phone call.  I don’t know from whom but you know how it is…  it comes in groups.

 

 

OHH wait, never mind.  Andrea is pregnant as well.. so thats three.

 

Maybe I won’t get any phone calls.

 

Signed,

Tia Barren

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Wake Up Media! Saturday, Jun 14 2008

I am just extremely frustrated that the media seems to ignore the fact that Infertility doesn’t just happen to couples older than 30.

Hello, there are PLENTY of twenty-somethings out there dealing with this who are simply told that “they are young”, “they have time”, etc.

 

Only when they hit 30 or so they start to say “ohh you shouldn’t have waited so long”, etc

 

 

ARGHHH…

4 Responses »

 

The Woes of Housebreaking and Tom Tuesday, Jun 10 2008

So I am currently going through the woes of housebreaking for the third time (yeah, and I said I would never do that again– i scoff at my ignorance- cause who can resist a puppy?)

Chubby was doing really well.  He would yap when he needed to go out and it was all good. No house accidents.  But then the Hubbs came back from visiting family in Jacksonville and its like the little man decided he would revert to non-housebroken status.  I thought that it had something to do with the Hubbs comin back and him not liking it. 

Very Possible.

But I’m not going to send the Hubbs away just so our dog can take it outside.  He’s leaving for a month next week anyway.

And the heat/sun certainly isn’t helping my cause one bit! He doesn’t like it at all.  Today I even tried taking him to the corner farthest away from the door (but still in shade).  When I set him down I totally expected him to head in that direction but stop along the way and relieve himself.  NOPE.  That little booger ran like Satan was on his heels straight to the door.  So I sat there..in the heat until he gave me a courtesy tinkle.  Yes.. he went a little bit…and I thought he was done until…

We went to the bathroom, then he proceeded to unload on the rug.  UGH.  So now he’s in his kennel napping like all is right in the world while I cleaned (or was cleaning since now I am typing) up his mess. 

 

Speaking of world.  Check out this site called TOMS Shoes. TOM’s Shoes is a company that produces some great, and amazingly comfy little shoes. Every time you buy a pair, they donate a pair to a child in a third world country. t’s the easiest way I can think of to do something that has immediate benefits to someone less fortunate.

On this site there is also the sale of : the FEED bag is designed to raise awareness and funds for hungry children and to help them get into school and out of hunger. Each FEED bag sold will provide a school year of meals for one child in need and give them the hope of an education and a regular meal. Whether you tote your FEED bag to school, work, play, or shop, remember that your bag helped to FEED and educate one child for one school year.

 

So if you have a few extra bucks…visit the site. You’ll get something that gives more (does that even make sense?)

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Just A Note Tuesday, Jun 10 2008

Man I woke up feelin like a bus ran over me in my sleep.  I can’t wait til this stuff starts to work.

Ok, back to regularly scheduled programming

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Getting Back Into the Swing of Things Monday, Jun 9 2008

This is kind of long…so if you don’t want to read it all then jump to the bottom and answer the question should it suit your fancy

 

So that is what I am goin to try and do.  Lately I’ve just been so tired (I am guessing that is a mix of being on no medications, low iron and then starting new meds).  Even now I am sitting here on the couch with my two boys (Blade and Chubby- the dogs) with a box of wheat thins, a skein of yarn with knitting attached to it because somehow I messed up one row and will have to frog (which I absolutely hate doing with knitting- its so much more fun with crochet).  Lesson here is do NOT try and knit a particularly complex section when you are droppin lids at 10 in the evening. Just put it down and go to bed!  Especially if you are still a beginner.  FULL CONSENTRATION NEEDED PEOPLE. 

Also, dealing with infertility really has become more of a back burner thing.  Its still there and it still hurts but I’ve pushed it a bit farther away. I think that in really looking at the reasons why it hurt soooo much (and still continues to do so) really helped me look the monster in the eye.  Maybe while I shove it under the bed.

Maybe it could find some lost shoes that have ventured into never-never-land.  Ok.. that was stupid but ohh well. 

Back to the topic on hand: infertility.  It really sucks.  I know that I am just repeating what everyone knows but sometimes you just have to say it.  I’ve been sleeping on the news that my cousin is pregnant.  She is the first in our generation to actually get to that point.  Im the only one actually trying to have a child (or was trying- may be trying again in the relatively near future-talk about that later).  I am wondering what Cousin D will do.  Will she keep the child? Will she take care of herself during her pregnancy?  Will she be equiped to take care of the child after her pregnancy (seeing as the father has yet to finish high school Im not exacting counting him in the support picture)?  Will she …

That the question that runs through my head.  Will she?  What will she do?  My grandmother is the one that called and told me about Cousin D’s (lets refer to her from now on as C.D) announcement.  She also stated all the reasons I have as to why this isn’t the ideal situation.  My grandmother then said that maybe someone in the family could care of the baby in a way that the child needs.  She named alot of peope– except for us.  I even said “What about us?” and either she didn’t hear or she acted like she didn’t hear.  No matter that pause…that silence at the suggestion ripped my heart.  Does my Grandmother not think we can care for a child?   I mean, we have a home that is large enough for a child (seriously when your dogs have their own room there is plenty of space).  We have a steady income.  We have retirement savings.  We have the love and the desire for a child.  Yes, I have health issues but now thats being taken care of.  I know how to work our money.  I just don’t understand.  That pause, that half second, really hurt.    I am kinda hopin that she didn’t hear what I said because that would be better than the other option.

So I did mention that we may be jumpin back on the wagon in a bit.  Don’t know for sure when because we haven’t actually sat down and talked it out.  Its just been coming up more and more in conversation.  It certainly won’t be soon as the Hubbs has field training from this month through to next month (as I mentioned in a previous post).  Don’t know whats goin on after that since it depends on how the exercise goes this time around I suppose.  The Army Times is reporting that there is a new formula for deployment and they are goin to start lookin to the men and women who haven’t been deployed in a while (Hubbs has been home for a year) or had short-term deployments (Hubbs had several of these as his old unit did deployment rotation, and his final 12 month deploy was cut short by three months because we got orders here) so we are pretty much thinkin that he’ll be on that list at some point. 

Of course, Army Times is not the end all be all and the rumor mill is usually more accurate.  But this gives us a heads up as to what may be happenin for us in 09.  All this is being considered on my end- I am assuming at this point that he’s thought about this as well since he’s the one bringing it up.  I did get some OPK’s this cycle just to try them out and see whats goin on and if it will match up with my scope and temps.  Anyway, today I started them and there was a line!  What in the world?  It wasn’t a postive by any means but it wasn’t light either.  I am only CD 5.  I bet I’ll be one of those who it does’t work for.  Oh well.  Can’t say I didn’t try.  I’ll keep up on it though until its fully positive.  It will at least be interesting to see how things co-ordinate with the scope.

In testing- health news- like I said before I am really kind of loopy from the lycira but it says that its a normal side- effect and it will only last as long as it takes for my body to become adjusted accustomed to it. Did you know that you could totally feel dizzy laying down in bed and rolling over?  Well you can!  Thats how I’ve woken up the past couple days (besides Chubby yappin cause he needs to go out).  Today, I woke up that way but my feet seriously hurt.  Since it can take up to six weeks for the full benefit to be shown I am not quite as disappointment in the apparent lack of relief.  The doc told me that it would be this way and Im not even a week into the trial (six days).  I feel like my eyes are crossing but they aren’t.  Its wierd.

My blogversary (is that what you call it?) is coming up.  June 17th.  Thats pretty neat.  I’ve made approximately 219- this will be 220- posts and have approximately 19, 136 hits.  I wonder if it’ll be 20,000 by the time the year mark rolls around.  That’s alot of typin! Im ok with that though.  I love this medium.

Saying that- I would hope that you, regular readers, do not mind if I start to include more of my general opinions here.  In saying that while it is a primarily infertility blog, i am tempted to begin just using it as archive (for internet articles of any nature be it infertiity/feritilty, social issues, political issues, sports, television, etc.   I thought about starting another blog but that really would be a hassel.

HOWEVER- I would like opinions.  Would you be offended if I posted political views here and asked for participation?  If I post something inane (as related to television) will that be ok? If I talk about a book that i’ve just finished?  Crochet or knitting? Mentioning more about my fibro and other issues? Let me know because I would not want to alienate any of you from this space of mine.

There was something else, but I can’t remember what so when I do I’ll just make another post.

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Awe Crap Sunday, Jun 8 2008

Let me share about my cousin.  Shes the only other girl (besides myself of course) in our generation.

Shes known as Crazy D****.

She doesn’t work.

She goes from family member to family member– moving on when she gets kicked out because she’s messing up the family harmony. 

Our younger cousin almost ended up dropping out of school because of Crazy D.  We are all very proud of her for moving past the issues that were casued by Crazy D and doing the work to make sure she graduated on time- which she will next week.

Crazy Cousin D is bi-polar and she knows it.  She chooses not to take medication to regulate herself and ends up in the hospital quite often (remember where I said she doesn’t work?- yeah guess whose payin for those trips?).

She’s an alcoholic.

She’s the one who told me before my wedding that I had to sleep around because I don’t want my husband to be the only man I know what sex feels like with (which is completely the opposite of what  I want- which is why my husband is the only man i’ve ever been with).

And she’s pregnant.

Yup, right now shes about 4wks almost 5. Without even askin I know when shes due- Feb 10th.  You see… I started my period three days ago.  Thats when she tested cause she was “late”.  That means that while we may or may not have cycled together, our O dates were right there in the same window. Isn’t that nice– its great news to get when your all crampin and miserable.

The father of the baby.  He’s 18.   He graduates from high school in two weeks.  He still lives with his parents and she lives with all of them.  Everyone is pretty sure that Crazy D will wear out her welcome in her boyfriends (quite literally boy) parents home once they find out she’s knocked up. 

its all crap.

 

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Where to Start? Saturday, Jun 7 2008

So Its been a bit.

Sorry for the delay but I’ve started my Lycira trial and it does make one kind of loopy so please pardon if my thoughts are dis-jointed.

We have a new pup. His name is “Chubby” after my baby bro who graduated this past weekend. He’s a Chi/Pug mix (that I supposed would make him a Chug…LOL… that sounds funny- anyway). So he was doing really well with potty training, but he’s had a few accidents. I don’t think he likes the heat… cause he’ll only stay in the shadow- even if its only a tiny bit against the house. Then as soon as he gets inside where its cool….he goes.
So anyone know how to turn the heat down in the desert?

Anyway, heres a pic of the cutie

 

I got my internal medicine appointment taken care of and turns out that I am apparently also anemic (in the chronic sense- isn’t that nice?).  And see started me on this Lycira trial (i think i mentioned that already but I am not gonna stop typing so if I did then just look at the last statement as a reminder.  Anyway, she says if this works for me that there are those who take it who can make it through the day *pain free*.  I’d still have to take it easy because it doesn’t stop the actual issues- I just won’t feel the results as immediate.  Just a warning to you all… i do have to keep some sort of log on how Im doing so while it may sound like complaining- its for a reason.

 

Umm,

I am still waiting on Rheumatology to call for when my appointment will be, but my neurology will be on the 17th.  I figure that since I have to drive to Las Cruces that I’ll stop by Unravel, a yarn shop that I have heard many good things about.

For those of you who commented on my help post: I’ve decided to make my friend a layette set.  She said she would very much appreciate the gift…so Im working on that as well.

 

My brother (the one who thought his girlfriend was pregnant but she wasn’t) is now engaged.

 

The hubs is goin out again for a month so I’ll be jammin here in the house with me and the dogs.  FUN right?  Eh, we’ll see.

 

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update coming Tuesday, Jun 3 2008

hopefully later today… if I can find some time

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This is crazy Tuesday, May 20 2008

I have to go to New Mexico to see a neurologist. 

How is it possible that there are no neurologists in this city accepting new patients?

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Whew… but still Crazy Monday, May 19 2008

So I am so thankful there is nothing wrong with my head.

 

But they still don’t know whats wrong soooo

I have to see the neurologist (and the one here at the MTF won’t see me.  Isn’t that nice?) and so must wait for TriCare to not only approve that but to find me a doc and make me an appointment.

Internal Med can’t see me today– but in a couple days they’ll call to let me know when I can come in.

Rheumatology says they need to find space for me so Im waiting on them too.

I’ve also been told that I need to stop my pain meds (since that is my newest Rx until I’m done with Neurology and Internal Med.

So..I’ll be cranky in a couple days.. Im just warning y’all

4 Responses »

 

A Different Kind of Wait Friday, May 16 2008

So I wait alot being infertile and all.

But Im in a different kind of wait.

Yesterday, I started shaking and couldn’t stop.

Today I went in for an appointment at 9 and left at 1230 but not before a phone call with my hubbs who is somewhere in the middle of the desert explaining that I’ve been at the hospital getting blood drawn, having CT scans taken, making appointments with internal medicine as well as Rhumetology for Monday.

Something is wrong with my head they think.  Literally.

 

And the punch in the gut? There was a sixteen year old girl in the stall next to mine who didn’t even know she was pregnant. And I had to sit there listening them gush and make decisions on what they would need to do.

 

If I were a cusser… i’d be worse than a sailor, but now all I can do while I wait is to feel sorry for myself and my defective body with its messed up head.

10 Responses »

 

I Need Help Tuesday, May 13 2008

Ok… I recently (ok not recently..but a couple of months ago) wrote about one of my very best friends who is pregnant but the baby has been diagnosed with Anencephaly.

So here’s where I need help.  She found out last week that the baby is a girl.  She still on target with everything (the exception being the condition– things still look as though the doctors have provided the correct diagnosis).

I want to make her something for the baby because I don’t want to ignore the pregnancy BUT the chances of the baby living through to due date is slim, the chances of her tolerating birth are slimmer, and surviving for more than a few days outside of the womb are even slimmer than those two.

Its not a matter of money– but sensitivity.  Where is the line?  Should I make her something for the baby mainly?  Should I make it for her?  Should i even make something but rather get a gift card or something (im not too keen on that since it seems so impersonal)?

 

I just don’t know what would be appropriate.

 

Help me please if you have a suggestion!

18 Responses »

 

I am not … (another thought vomit) Thursday, May 8 2008

Yep, Mother’s Day is always a reminder of this.

Television commercial: Mom with the children (notice how it seems like its always younger children?), Hubs with the “gift from baby” (usually jewelry). Or how about the commercial of “mom’s knows best”.  I don’t get any of that– I am not a mother.

The corsages in church, given to women younger than myself through to that woman who is everyones “nana”. I walk with no corsage because I am not a mother.

I have planned and prepared for birth that I may very well never get to experience.  I have researched medical issues that will get filed away in my brain never to be used. I have dreamed and hoped. I have never been pregnant- I am not a mother.

 

I am a wanna be.  I have tried to be- but I’ve failed.  I have no hope of becoming a mother by any means (except naturally– which in way provides any kind of hope or expectation) in the next five to ten years.

My dogs are not children though they may have been gotten to subsitute- to fill a void- to give me something to care for.  I love my dogs and that will not change, but they are not children.  I am not their mother, I am their owner and their caretaker.  I can be replaced without much thought (though I wouldn’t give up my dogs for anything). 

 

The frist year we were married…Mother’s day came about six months into this journey.  The hubbs bought me a card because I would be the mother of his children– we still had the hope, we were still sure that this would happen for us.  That it would be the last year I would not be a mother. I cried because I was happy that this man who married me already saw me as the mother of his children and was so excited to be the father of my children.  Yet here we are.  Three years later– I am still not a mother and I cry over that.  Even the Hubbs doesn’t look at me in that way because– children may very well not be in our future. It really is quite painful to think of them at this point.  So now it is just a day we avoid.  We go no-where.  Our phone calls are quick- and not even made on the day.

I call my Grandmother and Mother the day before–wish them the very best as they celebrate the day with family.  I love them both so much that I would not have them think I miss the day by callin late.  My step-mother, well she can wait til after.   

I know some women take solace in the thought that they are mother’s of the heart.  I definatly think so of those women who’ve had to go through losing their children- early m/c, still-birth, unfortunate accidents at any point in life, illness- should very much be honored on this day.  Though not in the same way as mothers with living children.  Mother’s day for these women should be a day of support- in the way she needs the support and not by how others THINK she should be supported (if that makes any sense).

But for me, a woman who hasn’t conceived at all.. in any stage– I am not a mother.

I think (for me) that to think of myself as a mother without children just makes things that much worse.  Its like saying I am a lawyer because I wish it to be so, because I’ve gotten the schooling, invested the time, invested the money, stayed up late nights, but have taken the tests and failed them.  Just because I have all the experience that all other lawyers had before they became lawyers- I haven’t passed the tests.  So that would leave me as a wanna be.

Same with fertility.  I would love to be.  I have done all the things fertile have done for as long as humans have lived and died on this earth, without the same outcome.

So this is part of my mantra as Mother’s day comes.  I am not a mother, the day doesn’t apply to me just as foreign holidays do not apply to me and i go on with my day as normal. I don’t dwell on it or worry (yeah right– I wish– but this is my aim anyway).  While I know that won’t be totally true.. and that I still need to acknowledge the day for the sake of the women in my life- in my head I  need to get the point in there.  Dwelling on what I don’t have, or on how I think things should be or what I think I should be doesn’t change things.  It just makes me more upset.  It makes me less content .  I lose my peace.  I won’t think of “maybe next year”.  I’ll ignore the questions from family.  I’ll hide out in my living room- eating ferrero rocher and watching “non-mom” flicks from my own movie collection (the Rocky Series sounds good, or maybe even Lord of the Rings, or I could go through the first six seasons of Smallville).  No commercials, no families, no bellies.

I’ll make it through this year and figure out how to get on with my life.  Seriously, I am infertile.  That is what I am because I don’t just suffer from infertility.  Its in my life everyday, and has become apart of who I am.  Its a label that I can place in the “describe me” column, but its not only what I am.  Somehow I have to get over the dream and focus on something else.

I don’t know what that would be though. Some women throw themselves into their career- yet I don’t have one.  I don’t particularly want one either.  There isn’t anything I love enough to commit myself and our limited finances toward.  I keep house as well as I can between the hubbs’ lack of caring and my medical issues that tire me out pretty quickly.  I crochet– and don’t plan any baby projects for quite some time after im done with the ones Im on.  I am teaching myself to knit.  I hopefully will teach myself to quilt once we have some extra cash. I’ll help my man with what I can. What to do that will not have anything to do with the reproductive issue I no longer want to think about to focus on or mourn over.  It is what it is.  Nothing we can do about it now or in the near future.

Does it mean that things won’t bother me?  No.  I think I’ll still be sensitive to things, but that will be others bringing it to me and not bringing myself to it (if that makes sense). After this particular frame of subscription on fertilityfriend, I’ll not be subscribing again.   I’ll start there..and see where I end up.

 

enough babbling… Im goin to bed.

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Waiting Monday, May 5 2008

So apparently my brother is scared (as would be natural with an unplanned pregnancy).

He’s taken his girlfriend to the doctor…and now Im waiting for the yes or no from him.

Actually, I expect (knowing my little bro) that if its yes, I’ll get one short phone call and then another - much longer phone call in the middle of the night.

 

So…we wait

 

ETA:

She isn’t… WHEW…

and AF showed too…so CD 1… cycle 43

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Thought Vomit Sunday, May 4 2008

Sigh.

All these hits and Im sure there are more to come, just by the nature of things.  My period is due to start at some point, but I am not entirely sure when since I don’t particularly know when I O’d this time around.  I ended up takin my temps for the majority of this cycle simply because I couldn’t pinpoint the date–which of course leads me to believe that it was an annov cycle- even though fertility friend pulls up three different dates on each of their monitoring methods.  I say no because none of my signs happened.

I know my period will start soon because all of a sudden all my symptoms started and today I started to spot.  So I am guessing tonight or tomorrow.   Have I mentioned here that this would be the end of cycle #42? 

I just feel like I am complaining more lately and I don’t particularly like it.  I was doing so well for a while but everything just piles up all at the same time and it gets so overwhelming.  Its kind of like treading water at the shoreline.  I could set my feet on firm ground whenever I please, whenever I tired, or whenever I just couldn’t hold on any longer.  Only I’ve been somehow swept away by a current without my knowledge, and I’ve gone to set my feet on the ground I thought was there, but end up drowning instead.

:::

I kind of want to garden but my yard is a barren desert where nothing but weeds grow and the dogs roll around in the dust (and droolin all over each other making a nice muddy mess).  I keep seeing things on the television and in magazines about plants and things but with the watering restrictions (I have been reported by one of my lousy neighbors for watering the yard on off days–even though there were two vacant houses directly across the street at the time so they obviously were not using their ‘water’ days) my attempt at reseeding the backyard failed quite completely.  My herbs (sweet basil and oregano) on the kitchen window sill are growing nicely though, for that I am grateful.  At least I can grow something somewhere.

:::

Anyone know where I can get some lavender honey?  Our commissary only carry’s clover and its not exactly my favorite.  The hubbs picked up a medium sized bottle without reading so I have a bottle of clover honey sitting in the pantry with no reason for me to use it.   Anyone want an unopened jar of clover honey?

Im going to bed…im tired

physically, mentally, emotionally just BLEH

 

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National Foster Care Month Saturday, May 3 2008

May is National Foster Care month ladies and gents!  It is estimated that there are approximately 513,000 children in the U.S. foster care system.

For more information about what kinds of things you can do-be it you have a few minutes, hours, days, etc… visit Fostercaremonth.org.       

 

 

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And the Hits just keep on coming Friday, May 2 2008

my brother’s girlfriend may still very well be pregnant.  If she wasn’t the first time she went it—now she may be.

Nausea

tender breasts

a true missed period

actual vomitting

food adversion

bloating

 

Her biggest worry is what her parents will say…

Not worried that she doesn’t have a job or any life expereince.  Not that my brother is currently unable to walk himself anywhere and has a history of ditching jobs and mooching off friends.

AND…

she’s on the pill.  She transitioned down to a lower dose hormone pill…this is her first packet.

 and yet..

Shes excited that she may very well have her “first mothers day” in a couple weeks.

 

She may get her first mothers day…and I’ve been waiting on mine for years.

 

 

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Can I also Say…. Wednesday, Apr 30 2008

my hands are fugly…

 

and it mades me really sad

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